Hi!

Huh

So, anyway.

Things are sort of rough in my head right now. I feel, weird about life in general right now. I hit 31. I didn't expect to live this long. I figured I would have offed myself by now, in all honesty. I can barely put up with me, I'm amazed at the people who manage to do so.

Financially, things aren't too good. Switching schools actually cost me a bit of money. If I don't find a job soon, well, no idea what happens really. The biggest problem is I'm in school six days a week. It's hard to find a job willing to put up with my schedule and still give me enough hours to be helpful.

However, I am happier at this particular school, even if I feel like I'm in way over my head at this point. My History of Industrial Design class is fine. My metal shop class is a little overwhelming. I feel at home with wood shop. I'm bloody terrified of my technical drawing & CAD class.

I still find that I just don't do well with tests, and I have a real time management problem, the more stressed out about it the worse it gets.

Coffee has become a thing.

I've become infuriated with my father over the last few months. Basically, my car, which is actually legally his, has been inert for over a year now. The registration came due while I was unemployed. I chose to eat, and pay rent, rather than bother with the damned thing. I don't really need a car. It'd be nice once and a while, but overall I feel a lot healthier without it. I walk everywhere, or take the bus, and I'm happy doing that. It's winter in Colorado, and I'm happier walking in it than driving. Cars seem like a good way for other people to make money off of me. (Insurance, gas, repairs, etc), and driving itself is something I just don't enjoy but for rare occasions.

In any case, there's been a weird cat and mouse game between my father and I over the damned thing. I sort of want it out of my life, but can see the utility in having it. He seems to be under an odd delusion that a car is required for living. This is somewhat true of where he lives. I wouldn't want to hit the bus system in Orlando for a wide variety of reasons. I don't live in Orlando for many reasons. Anyway, in CO, past a certain point, if registration has lapsed you're required to produce the title to register it. My father lost the title. He did no research the last time he was down and tried to get the title only to find out he needed to get a statement from the bank, so he could get the title, so he could get it registered.

He has hesitated on doing this since his last visit over a year ago. He can fly out here, for free, at any time he chooses, and has a job where he gets things like vacation and paid sick leave. I do not understand why, if this issue is big enough that it requires that it comes up every time we talk about it, that he hasn't come out to deal with it. I find it, annoying, to put politely. I've been tempted many times to roll it into the street and let the wolves (re: cops) have it.

Anyway, so, there's that.

I've had weird anxiety issues for the past year. I think it might have been a bad idea to go back to school. I'm not sure I do well in this sort of environment. Basically, I sacrifice most, if not all, my social life, and I rarely have a job outside of school (I tend to have a hard time finding work even when I don't have a lot of things pressing my schedule down to nothing). This leaves most of my self worth hanging on school, which, even without much of a social life, and little outside school itself, I just don't do well in. I find I get irritable at some of the arbitrary restrictions imposed on me (re: needing "scholarly" sources for papers that I largely consider fluff, like comparative essays about two industrial designers). I'm not the best in the world at managing my time. In fact I'm pretty shitty at it. I get to class. I manage that.

I've been weirdly nostalgic for playing Heroclix lately. Probably a notion of "simpler days" or some such nonsense. However, I'm broke, so it keeps to itself.

That's all I really have for the moment. I'm sure there will be more soon.

I really don't feel like I have much to say for the last year, and I think that's the worst part.

Education. The system in this country is a bit too screwy. This goes from overvaluing college degrees (ie: schools being mills to turn out people who will go on to college, rather than, perhaps more useful things), to bullying, to a hundred other bits and pieces that are just oddly placed if not outright broken.

Bondage gear? Slightly more seriously, mostly nerdy gaming shit like Heroclix or the like, or better, art supplies!

I don't post a lot anymore.

Mostly, I have no idea what I have that's worth saying quite often. I mean there are the banalities of my existence. In school, feeling rather poorly used, and doomed. There's not a lot of a sex life, or interpersonal life right now. Most of my time is spent either dithering about on the internet, making art, or not functioning for some reason.

I barely write, mostly for classes. I barely make art for anything but classes.

There's someone I'm missing a great deal. She's off having her own adventures, but I can't get her out of my head lately. Also I've been ridiculously horny.

It's all sort of boring though. Not having much fun overall. Meh?

Defenestration.

This weekend was a blast. Went to a BDSM event in girl-mode (Codename: Zoe). Which was fun, though slightly unsuccessful due to me being a bit of a perpetually tight bottom. Then I went to the Denver Slut Walk which was really a good event. My first protest-sort of thing I think. It's great that anytime I go to a sex positive event of any sort I know about 1/3 the crowd.

Had dinner with someone who I'd been crushing on for years, a friend of hers, and my girlfriend. Eventually a friend of theirs showed up, who I'd known for years. Small planet sort of thing. We went to an art installation at the Denver Art Museum that was about terrorism. Visually, it's well put together and somewhat unnerving. Content wise I'm a bit "meh" on. The propaganda didn't come until the end.

Then went on a date with a new guy. He's so far been far above expectations (the guys I've managed to even try to do anything with have been flakes, the bad kind of weirdos, or just annoying as fuck). He's cool with the bi and poly thing, kinky as hell, likes comic books and tabletop RPGs. Sort of a shopping list for me. ;)

I've had an interesting few days. A new hard drive, a gender fucking event where I dressed as a girl for the evening, a minor mental melt down related to getting ready for said event (things were going wrong) and dysphoria and then other stuff. I'll decompress more later. I should sleep now.

I'm having difficulty getting my comp to see old hard drives I'd been switching in and out of an external enclosure. I am most annoyed by this.

That is all.

I find myself mildly confused by life right now. I've come to not particularly like Japanese due to the course this year. Which is ironic to start with. What is more so is that I've become increasingly interested in math and physics. Interests which I can't say I had before. I'm now vaguely building a plan of quitting the school I'm at for awhile, going to a community college to catch up with the maths, then coming back for physics instead of psychology.

Weird life.

"I'm sorry, and you are?"